Having boned up on the latest endeavors of the U.S. National Security Agency (NSA) to keep up with the Joneses (and Snowdens, and Mannings, and all overseas points of contact), I wish to offer my assistance.
No need to check my e-mails or cell phone records, fellas.
I’m ready to fully divulge everything so no need to waste taxpayer money on extraordinary rendition to, say, Guantanimo, for water-boarding. What a waste of perfectly good hotel towels, anyway.
As I say, I’m ready to come clean.
OK, guys, here’s the situation. Got your tape recorders running?
I sent four packages to a small town in Israel in early September and the U.S. Postal Service informed me it would take “six to 10 days” for the items to reach their destination, once they were sent to an international sorting facility in New York.
Well, as far as I can determine, from using the USPS’ efficient online tracking system, my merchandise – all wrapped up in official USPS postal boxes – still haven’t gotten to their “sendee” and now it’s early October.
The sendee tells me, via Skype, that one box is reportedly sitting in some postal facility in Tel Aviv but that it could take anywhere up to three weeks to move from there to the sendee’s apartment. The others don’t even show up on their computer.
Now I have nothing bad to say about the staff at the Kearny Post Office. They went out of their way to help me wrap my boxes and make sure they were properly addressed. They can’t control where the mail goes. Thank goodness the USPS – being a semi-autonomous federal agency – won’t be subject to sequestration because then, I’d venture to say, there’d be nobody in the post office to begin with. And then where would I be, right? Couldn’t even buy Forever stamps. And that’s critical since the price of stamps is going up three cents in January, right?
Ah, what the heck, what am I bothering you fellas with this for? You don’t read my mail, anyway, do you? All you’re worried about is my electronic correspondence, right?
Oh, well, back to those overseas-bound packages. I want to set your mind at rest about those shipments. Nothing in those boxes, fellas, but some clothing, a kids’ game and a couple of books.
Alright, so one of the books does deal with the Lincoln conspiracy theory, I grant you, but please don’t get any funny notions that I believe in any of those cockeyed theories. I trust my government explicitly. I firmly believe that there was only the single shooter (Oswald) in the Kennedy assassination, that the U.S. would never foment revolution in another country (unless it would further our national security), or that Bush 2 knew in advance about the WTC attacks.
But I can sense your doubts about my sincerity so I’m going to go further to make you believe that I’m as true blue – or red, if you need me to be – as any of our fervently patriotic Tea Party Congress people.
So, to that end, in order that you be spared the expense of attaching an ankle bracelet to my leg or sending a drone to monitor me, I had planned to provide you with a schedule of my projected whereabouts during the coming week.
Unfortunately, that will be longer be possible.
See, I had planned a trip to Yosemite but, since Congress is shutting down the government this week, all national parks will be closed.
My Plan B is to spend the next week going in and out of The Observer office at 39 Seeley Ave. at 15-minute intervals so if you want to check in with me on any important national security matters, please leave a red flower pot on our windowsill and I’ll be in touch.
– Ron Leir