With 2014 just around the corner, it’s time to make New Year’s predictions for the world, and resolutions for the soul. So, without further ado, here are a few forecasts I’d like to throw into the mix:
• Ordinary but sensible civilians from countries around the globe, calling themselves, GASP [Growing Awareness for Sane Policy] descend on Damascus and demand that the Assad regime and all feuding ethnic and religious factions throw down their weapons [including chemical, of course], kick out all foreign interventionists, invite back all displaced Syrian refugees, and start working together to rebuild the country. Everyone listens for a change and peace is declared.
GASP (not a real name) informs both houses of Congress that Party Time – Dems, GOP, and Tea – is over, debate is closed, filibusters are out and the new Era for Cooperation is in. Members will be locked behind the doors of their respective assembly places until they agree to balance the budget, reduce the national debt and ban fracking.
• GASP summons the ghost of Charlton Heston to haunt NRA President James Porter to show him that the business of personal liberty has nothing to do with shooting and everything to do with sharing … life … not guns.
• GASP listens in on the secret conversations of the NSA, records them, sends out postings with the contents of those recordings to all world leaders, just to show that Edward Snowden isn’t the only one who can leak info. Please like us. No warrants needed.
• The national Healthcare Insurance Exchanges computer software is downloaded by Google, Facebook and Twitter so they can properly market consumers lifetime supplies of thermometers, blood sugar meters and enema bags.
• Global climate naysayers’ oceanfront summer homes are engulfed by tsunamis that wash away entire continents. How many times can you say, “Got flood insurance?”
* Super Bowl 48 is played in MetLife Stadium before 80,000 empty seats as Homeland Security personnel forbid fans to enter, citing tailgating threats. Fans go home and watch great TV commercials.
* Gov. Chris Christie begins his 2016 campaign for the White House by signing legislation calling for N.J. to secede from the U.S. The governor immediately begins setting up traffic cones and barricades blocking vehicular access in and out of the Garden State and orders Shore Patrol to curtail access to beaches by Empire State bennies.
• The airlines industry begins offering a “way low” economy fare, allowing little ones up to age 4 to ride free as “carry ons” stowed in newly designed overhead compartments equipped with breathing and feeding holes. One caveat: if persistent crying is heard from overheads, passengers will be assessed a penalty fee. No emotional baggage tolerated.
• The National Railway Institute asks the Lionel Model Train Co. to come up with suggestions for controlling the speed of trains at sharp curves in the track. Okay, now for some New Year’s resolutions:
1. I resolve not to do any more New Year’s predictions.
2. Repeat the above each new year.
Thank you, one and all, for putting up with my eccentricities, expressed in print, for the past 12 months and I’d like to wish you all out there in Observer land the very best 2014 that you can make